Insanity
by EllaTheRealMeBlack
Summary: Leah Clearwater lives for the pain. So what happens when she acts on it? Forced to remember, unable to forget. Will someone be able to save her? Or will they be too late, leaving her to drown in her sorrows? One Shot


**Leah's Point of View: **

My name is Leah Clearwater. I lost my father, my fiancé, my cousin, my mother, and my brother. All to imprinting, and the supernatural world. So here I sat in the Cullen's living room because Jake told me I had to. And now, I am just stuck here, forced to inhale this awful scent. Expired chocolate and dead roses. How pleasant. I'm glad Edward isn't here to read my thoughts. He's fucking his bitch back at his stupid cottage. That stupid ass mind reader, always giving me pity looks. I don't want anyone's damn pity.

I have a problem.

I cut myself.

I've done it for a while. I just...I like it, for some reason. I like the pain. I excel in the pain. I've had nothing but pain for the past three years. I couldn't get past it. I covered my arms because I still had fresh scars. I had used a piece of glass earlier. I want to die. Can you blame me? I'm over Sam, or at least I could be if I wasn't forced to watch him anymore. Everyday through everyone's eyes, I have to watch as Sam and Emily get everything. But no one cared about me, huh? My own mother walked out on me. Even Seth did.

_"Why can't you be more like Emily?" _They had snapped. _"Get over yourself." _

They left. And I lived in that house all by myself. I avoid my dad's grave as much as possible. I refused to see any of it. I had nothing. I once had everything, and no it has been reduced to this. I stood shakily, my legs fresh from cutting too. I wobbled up the stairs when a hand caught me. The big one, Emmett. Damn, I know their names now.

Emmett saw my arms, and his eyes widened.

"Leah..." He whispered, reaching for me again. I recoiled back as if I had been slapped.

"Don't tell anyone." I pleaded.

He looked close to tears. I begged with my eyes. He left without a word, disappearing down a hallway.

"Jake?" I mumbled, walking into the play room where he and his spawn watched cartoons. "Nothing to report, as usual."

He nodded.  
"You okay?" He asked, but not once did he look away from the demon child. Anger boiled inside of me, and I forced it back down.

"Yes. I'd be even better if you got the fuck off your lazy ass and actually went patrolling instead of fawning over the demon child every day." I said under my breath.

_Now_ he looked at me.  
"What was that?"

"Nothing." I muttered, leaving the house.

* * *

I sat at home, alone. I wrote in my diary.

_Dear Diary,  
__Emmett saw the scars on my arm today. I asked him not to say anything, but I know he's eventually going to narc. I can't stop cutting. I've tried, honestly I have. But the pain is just...refreshing. It's hard to stop cutting once I've started. I think about suicide a lot lately. Its hard. I'm afraid to go to Carlisle. He'll tell someone. And then my little secret will be passed on. I have nothing anymore. Sam is gone, Emily is gone, Seth is gone, Jacob is gone...my parents are gone. Everything is just...gone. Alone. That's what started this. Ever since I've been alone, its given me more time to think. More time to question my life. Why was I born? Nothing good is coming out of this. And what's even worse? The little leech spawn attracts danger just like her mother. She and Bella both had, and currently have, Jacob. That's another thing. While in this pack, I have fallen in love with Jacob. _

_Cutting makes me forget that his wolf choose a half-breed over me. But sometimes, it's still there. I had tried to talk to Seth about my problem. I truly have. But they all pushed me away. Seth imprinted recently. Even Seth, my only brother, imprinted. Even Embry. I'm the odd one out. As always, being the first girl wolf and all. _

_I want to just disappear. When I lay in bed at night, I just wish this war would come already. I just...I want someone. I need someone. Someone to be there for me. I don't have anything. Or anyone. _

_Why did everything get taken from me? Was I a serial killer in a past life? Maybe I raped children, and God decided to call Karma up. I see Seth everyday, but he ignores me. I don't let it show, my pain. I don't let anyone see how bad it hurts. How much pain I make myself go through. Maybe, one day, I'll die. I want death. Hell, I pray for it. I always wanted to see my father again. _

_My mother is dating Charlie Swan. He even proposed. I heard that my mom didn't want me at the wedding. Fine, I won't be alive anyways. Why not end it all? What more is there for me here, on this planet? Everyone I loved, everything I had, is gone. Now the house is empty, as is my heart. I will leave a note to Billy, since he's always been like a father figure to me. But...no one else._

_I have to act quickly. _

_Leah _

I dressed in black sweats and a red shirt. No shoes, because I'll be jumping. I touched the locket around my neck, the one my father had given me.

_Dear Billy,  
__I'm sorry for doing this. You're the only person I'm leaving a note for. I can never repay you for all the things you have done for me. You've been like my second father. I miss those days when I was a kid and you, me, Jake and the twins would always sit around the campfire and tell stories. I miss being able to smile, without it hurting. But that's all I know these days. Pain. When Sam left, I thought I would get over it. But its hard, when I have to see them everyday, and know that I will never have someone love me that way. I always knew I wasn't worth fighting for. I mean, Seth left, and so did mom. What more do I have, other than an empty house? _

_Maybe in heaven, I can see daddy again. It's what I always wanted. He's the only one who's ever been there for me. Besides you, of course. I don't think anyone will miss me. Jake has Nessie, mom has Charlie, Seth has his imprint, and Sam has Emily. _

_Paul always told me to jump off a cliff. He always told me no one would ever love me again. He would mock me because of everything I had lost. My brother, my father, my fiancé, and my mother. I have tried to tune it out, but it still hurts Billy. It hurts like hell. Its feels like someone is setting me on fire, and shooting me with every word. I don't know what to do with myself anymore._

_I have to tell you something. _

_Before Jake found Renesmee, I had fallen in love with him. I was hoping that he would feel the same. But I was wrong. Why would someone love me, Leah Clearwater? I'm not pretty. I'm not wanted. I had watched him from a distance. I had loved him more than anything. I had waited for him to notice me. But he never did._

_I don't care if I go to hell for killing myself. I hope I do, just so the flames can eat me alive. The pain is all I have left. I've been cutting myself. With this letter is my locket daddy gave me. I need you to take good care of it, alright? Take it to your grave. I have...I am nothing anymore. I've always known that. _

_I love you Billy. Thanks for trying. But sometimes...it just isn't enough._

_Yours truly,  
Leah Anne Clearwater, first female wolf. And hopefully the last. _

I slipped my note and locket on Billy's table while he slept.

Then I left.

**Billy's Point of View: **

I heard the front door slam, and I jerked awake. I rolled to the kitchen, and that's when I saw it.

* * *

**Leah's Point of View: **

I stared down at the waters, knowing that I couldn't come up if I tried. And that's what I wanted. I jumped, letting the rocks crush me, and the water fill my lungs.

Death...

_Why can't you be more like Emily?_

_Get over yourself._

_Go jump off a cliff Leah! Do us all a favor! _

_No one loves you. They never will._

_I know I'm your brother Leah, but I can't handle this anymore._

_Nessie's so great! Today she was reading chapter books! I'm so proud-_

_Take care of my princess...take care of her... _Those were my father's last words.

I sank lower, my heart slowing.

Darkness engulfed me.

* * *

**Emmett's Point of View: **

Should I tell? Why should I? Leah didn't want me to! But she's cutting herself! I can't just ignore it!

"Dad," I whispered.

He appeared at my side in an instant, worried about my serious mood.

"What's wrong Emmett?"

"Leah's been cutting herself," I said.

You wouldn't believe how fast that room filled. Even Jacob and Seth came in.

"WHAT?!"

I nodded slowly.  
"I saw her on the steps a few minutes ago. Her arms...I didn't know...she begged me not to tell..."

Rosalie wrapped her arms around me..

"Don't worry." Edward said, already on his way to La Push with Carlisle. "We'll find her."

But maybe, just maybe, it was too late.

* * *

**Billy's Point of View: **

Everyone gathered at the beach as Edward, Jasper, and Paul dragged Leah to shore. Her broken body was lifeless. She didn't move. Paul sobbed, screaming at her to wake up.

I gripped my wheelchair tighter.

She had jumped.

She had left.

She had killed herself.  
And she had wanted it.

Carlisle started CPR, and Edward pumped.

What if it was too late?

She had said she fell in love with Jacob, but she..she had pushed aside her feelings so he could be with his imprint. She risked it for him, for his happiness. Paul told her to jump off a cliff. She jumped. She had cut herself. I clutched her locket in my hands.

I sobbed.

My daughter. Leah.

Carlisle started to panic. But he wouldn't give up. But Leah wouldn't wake up. Her heart didn't start.

"Billy." Old Quil rasped, crying himself.

I shook my head.

"I...I woke up." I said. Everyone except the Cullen's turned to listen because they were working on Leah. "There was a note...on the kitchen table...she gave me her locket..."

I didn't realize how hard I was crying until everyone had started hugging me, telling me I needed to breath. I shook them off.

"I should have seen it coming." I said. "I...I should have seen the signs. I wasn't paying attention. I could have...she wouldn't..."

Seth sobbed, holding Leah's cold hand.  
"Don't leave me Leah." He begged through his tears. "I'm sorry Leah! I love you!"

Sam and Emily pulled up, and when they saw.

"What happened." Sam said.

I handed him the note, unable to speak.

She had jumped.

* * *

**No one's Point of View: **

It was the day of the funeral.

Everyone in La Push, literally everyone, stood in the cemetery. Roses, Leah's favorite flower, surrounded her golden casket. Carlisle had insisted on paying for it. But when you looked at Carlisle, you could see the pain on his face. He looked close to tears. Next to him, Esme hugged his arm, crying softly. Emmett sobbed, face in his hands. Emmett blamed himself. He thought he should have said something sooner, instead of wasting time.

Seth would never forgive himself. Leah had tried to talk to him about it, and he pushed her away. Leah, being in the state that she was, saw it as a sign of abandonment. She had killed herself to erase the pain. To rid herself from the world.

Jacob, Alpha of the pack, cried. He cried, and he cried. He wouldn't take his eyes off the casket. He should have known. He was her Alpha. But her had been too wrapped up in his imprint to notice.

Paul..Paul cried. He didn't care what anyone thought. He had _told_ her to jump. He had mocked her because she couldn't have kids, and reminded her that she will always be unloved. And now she was _gone_, forever. Paul couldn't even _speak_ without crying. He would live the rest of his life, _knowing_ he had _encouraged_ her to jump. He had _given_ her _reasons_ to end her life. He had _helped_ her. And he knew it.

Sam and Emily...in honor of Leah, they wanted to name their baby girl after her. Leah Anne Uley. Yes, Emily is pregnant. Sam knew Leah was in pain. He just never thought she would go this far. Emily had cried everyday. And she will keep crying. No, not because of her pregnancy hormones, but because her cousin, once best friend, had killed herself.

During the speeches, sobs were heard. After Carlisle spoke, he had to leave the room, he was sobbing so hard. If he had been fast enough, if he had focused, he believed he could have saved her. Surprisingly, Aro had attending. He had crumbled at the sight of his old friend cry. Carlisle slumped against the wall of the church, and he sobbed his heart out. Aro had went to him, but didn't speak. He knew it would make it worse.

But Billy...Billy had it worse. Leah had been with Billy over the past few months, they took care of each other. Billy knew some of her deepest secrets, but others...she had kept to herself. So when Billy said his goodbyes, he had cried. He had stopped talking, and only stared at the casket. He hadn't moved. Sue Clearwater had to roll him away.

Sue? How did she feel? Well, she knew she had blame in this too. Leah couldn't handle being alone after her father died, and she knew it. But she had disowned Leah.

It made everyone really think.  
Who was Leah Clearwater? Rosalie Cullen laid a bouquet of roses on Leah's coffin. She went to speak.

"I didn't know Leah well." She began, choking back a sob. "But I know what's it like to lose everything. I know what its like to feel the pain, and think that you will never amount to anything. I saw the scars once, but I had shrugged them off since she spent a lot of time in the woods. I wish...I wish I could have helped her. No one deserves this. I wish...that maybe she was given a chance. All she had, everyone she had, left her. And that only pushed her in one direction. If things would have been different, if we could have saved her... Leah was a Clearwater, a Clearwater who could pack one hell of a punch." Every had watery laughs at this one. " She was a Clearwater who loved her family. In the end, she had died for it. May Leah live in our hearts, if not in person. May the name Leah Clearwater stick with you. May she become a part of you. Leah, no matter what anyone said, I always thought you were a good person."

Rosalie had to leave. She had went outside with Carlisle, and they cried together.

Nessie had cried. Edward had cursed himself. He could read minds. He _heard_ her think it! But Leah was known to joke around, and that's what he thought it was. A joke.

People were truly stunned at Rosalie's speech. Billy had added Leah to the legends. A legend to be learned from. As her coffin was lowered into the ground, and people left, only one remained.

Jacob Black.

He stared at her grave, and he put the biggest bundle of flowers against her gravestone. He had a secret too. Something he had kept hidden. He wished he had said it before, because maybe he could save her. Maybe, they could have been. She had escaped her pain in her own way. So how would Jacob escape his? Jacob kissed her gravestone, and whispered the three words that would have made Leah's heart swell with joy, if it was still beating.

"I love you."


End file.
